don’t listen to the lies.

don’t listen to the lies, darling.

she’ll come knocking. she always does. no, she doesn’t knock. she just busts right in through the doors, makes herself at home as if she’s lived here all her life.

because maybe she has.

that inner voice? she’s back again.

that inner voice, telling you all those mean things? she’s back again.

she’s slipping words into your mind, dropping them in your cereal bowl and hoping you’ll sip them in with your coffee. she scribbles them on the covers of your notebooks, decorating the pages of calculus with her lies.

you’re not good enough. not pretty enough. not skinny enough. not smart enough. you don’t work hard enough, you don’t show up enough, you don’t do enough. you are not loved. not wanted. not cherished. not valued. not. not. not not not not. 

open the door. invite her in. sit her down on your couch. put on the kettle, stand at the stove with two mugs and the honey, feeling her eyes on your back, knowing she’s just sitting there, stringing words together until she has the perfect sentence to spit out that will send you to your knees, overwhelmed by your not-ness.

bring her a mug. sit on the couch next to her, blankets draped over your legs, hands wrapped tight around your tea. and listen to her.

let her talk. listen to everything and realize: she is scared. she is lonely. she is sad. she is empty.

then you say: you are a liar.

and then you sit there, with your blankets and tea and your aching heart, and you tell her all the things that true. you tell yourself all the things that you know to be true.

small things, if you need. small things, if you’ve been lost in this sea of lies for a while and you have nothing to anchor yourself. anchor yourself with the small truths. what your favorite color is. that you bake the best cookies around. whether you like coffee or tea. that you run, or you bike, or you dance. that you are the caregiver with your friends, or you make everyone laugh.

and then, tell her – tell yourself – that you are cherished. that you are valued. that you are enough. that you are wanted. that you are loved. you are loved. you are loved.

and then, tell yourself all the things you want to be true. all the ways you want to grow and change, the ways you want to be more alive, more vibrant, more unashamedly you. all the things that you want to believe, all the things you want to be more true than the lies. you are brave. you are vulnerable. you are raw. you are unafraid. you are beautiful. you are witty. you are giving. you are gentle. you are strong. you are. you are. you are.

tell yourself the things you want to be true.

and someday, one day, in the telling, you will realize that they are true.

 

make my circle smaller.

I seem to live in circles

spirals always cycling back

rotating endlessly

but there is

a fixed point:

you.

and I stray

nearer

and farther

and you,

you wait patiently

for my path to circle back

to you.

but I,

I am tired

of the circles, the endless looping

near and far,

and I pray that my steps

would take my circle

a little closer

this time around.

this time,

maybe I will not

stray so far.

this time,

maybe I will make

my circle

a little smaller.

and next time,

a little smaller.

and maybe

my circle –

instead of

taking me away

– will only

revolve around you.

// october 2014