I haven’t been writing much lately.
We can talk about that. Or not. I don’t know if I can explain it. If you’ve read anything around here before, you know I have a tendency to talk (a lot) about my relationship with words. But let’s not, right now.
Let’s just be real about right now.
I am terrified.
You maybe know that things have changed for me. The Fellows Program came to an end; I cried. I left Greensboro; I cried. I spent a summer at home; I cried a little bit. I moved to Durham a week ago (and yes, I cried).
Tomorrow, I begin my first day of classes as a Master of Theological Studies student at Duke Divinity School.
I. am. terrified.
I don’t like change, all that much. And I really, really, don’t like not knowing. I don’t like that I don’t know how to get to Target without a GPS and I don’t like that I don’t know where I’m going to church, much less who I’m going to sit next to. I don’t know where my classes are or how I’ll handle them, I don’t know how I’ll do in school. I don’t know what my research interest is and for the love of all things holy, please do not ask me what I’m doing after grad school. If I start crying when you ask me that question, that’s on you. I warned you.
I am overwhelmed and lost and confused and nervous and scared and lonely and maybe asking myself every thirty minutes why I’m doing this.
I could have stayed. I could have stayed in Greensboro, stayed in the city I loved, at the church I loved, with the people I loved. I could have picked safe.
But I didn’t. I picked scary.
And I know, I know that must have been God. Because I am not a girl who picks scary that easily.
My God doesn’t pick safe, I guess. Jesus didn’t pick safe; instead, He picked me.
I don’t really know why I’m here. I can give you an answers, a few answers, if you ask why divinity school or why Duke or why an MTS but I guess it really comes down to: I think God wanted me here. I guess I need scary for a little while. I guess I need hard and challenging and terrifying. I guess I need not-safe. I guess I need out-of-my-control.
But I’m here to learn something – a few somethings, hopefully – and I think one of them might have to do with fear and courage and trust. About doing things when you’re terrified.