what a beautiful mess this is
Lately, everything has been feeling like a mess.
And then Lisa-Jo goes and asks for our true stories.
Do you want my true story?
My true story is yesterday involved me lying on the carpet crying. Multiple times.
It’s been a week, y’all.
My true story is I just wanted to bake cookies for my bible study, and when I discovered that I had baking soda but no baking powder, I put on real pants and jumped in my car and drove to Harris Teeter to buy cardamom and baking powder and then freaked out because goodness cardamom is expensive and do you want my firstborn for that? and then I got back and discovered that I bought not baking powder, but baking soda, and now I had two containers of baking soda and no baking powder and all I wanted to do was just bake some stinking cookies.
And, like every normal person, my response to that was to curl up in a ball on the ground and cry a little bit.
And then I proceeded to eat a lot (like a lot) of the dough. and eight cookies. And then four today. This is a judgement-free zone, right?
My true story is that three weeks ago, I dropped one of my majors. And that was exciting and terrifying and good and scary and there were a lot of tears involved. But it felt right, and it felt like freedom, when I realized that I was brave enough to walk away from something that wasn’t making me happy to pursue instead what I loved and what I wanted to do with my life.
And then I realized that I don’t really know what I love. I mean, peanut butter and puppies and Jesus and words, but somehow those don’t all combine to make a job description that would fit me like my favorite pair of jeans.
(which, by the way, don’t fit me anymore. eating your way through europe will do that to you. and so my true story also involves a lot of love and hate and maybe more hate and than love with my body right now.)
So I’m a senior in college, and I just walked away from three years of investment in a major, and now I don’t know what I want to do and if I’m going to add another major and when I’m going to graduate and for someone who has a past history with anxiety and trust issues and color-codes her agenda like it’s her job and likes plans… this. is. terrifying.
And I’m only 21 and I know, I know that’s young and I’ve got time and all that stuff but y’all, all my friends are looking forward to graduation and life plans and I have nothing figured out. and sometimes, that makes me feel like a failure. sometimes, that makes me feel like I can’t do anything right. I mean, heck, I can’t even manage to buy baking powder. and sometimes, it feels like every. stinking. thing. is falling down around me and I’m left trying to keep a brick wall together with tape when really I need a bag of cement. and some industrial-size construction equipment. and I’m pretty sure I’m not qualified to drive any of it.
My true story involved me frustrated, and upset, and mad at God, and angry-journaling at 11:45 pm and I kinda don’t want to open my journal tonight and have to look at that page cause it ain’t gonna be pretty. Because there are a lot of things I don’t understand, and in case you don’t know by now, I have this thing where I like to be in control. Just a bit.
and I don’t understand. I don’t understand why I have no idea what I want to do, and why He couldn’t have pointed me towards a different major three years ago, and why I’m still single while it feels like everyone I know is getting married, and why I feel like a huge failure half the time, and why I can’t just learn how to love my body already, and can someone please just tell me what the heck is up with predestination because I don’t really know what’s going on with that whole concept and why can’t everything just make sense already?
why won’t God just tell me what’s up?
there were some more tears. do you see a trend here?
So the real talk is this: I have no idea what I’m doing. None. Whatsoever.
I don’t know where I’m going. What’s happening. Who I’m going to be in twenty years, or ten, or two weeks.
but there’s a song by Jason Mraz that goes something like this:
what a beautiful mess this is // it’s like picking up trash in dresses
and that’s the truth. it’s a mess, all of it, but it’s a beautiful mess. because I believe – I have to believe – that He makes beautiful things out of us, out of our mess.
and there’s a lot of trash to pick up.
so I might as well wear a dress while I’m doing it. it’s just a beautiful mess.
Five Minute Friday looks a little different this week, obviously. It was not five minutes. Check out Lisa-Jo’s post over here and maybe the massive amount of nonsense above will make more sense. And tell me your true stories. It’s all a beautiful mess, so put on your dress and take my hand and we’ll dance in the middle of it together.