what do I do when there aren’t words?
when I don’t even know what to pray for. when I can no longer whisper faith and hope and trust to myself like a mantra. when peace is always just out of reach. when His voice is silent, or maybe just lost in all the sound. when this abundant life seems much too empty.
life to the full.
wasn’t that the deal? isn’t that how it’s supposed to work? surrender and submit, repent and be renewed. be healed. be filled with joy.
Joy has been playing coy lately. Healing clocked out and took a vacation. Renewal is just straight-up AWOL. and I’m feeling lost. feeling alone. feeling still broken. still anxious and still controlling and still hating these thighs and still unworthy and still and still and still and where in the heck is that abundant life I was promised?
’cause sometimes, it feels like I’m getting the short end of the stick.
and I keep trying. I keep striving. be good, say your prayers. be patient, be kind, bite your tongue when those harsh words want to roll right off. love and forgive, two words that take “easier said than done” to a whole new level. just keep trusting, just keep believing, it’s all part of this plan.
when do I get to see the plan?
and I admit to waiting for it all to just work already. for everything to be fixed. thinking that one day, I’ll wake up and everything will have clicked and then – oh, then. then I’ll be better. I’ll be courageous and strong. I’ll be gentle and kind. I’ll love my body and maybe I’ll even love running, too. I’ll trust unwavering and I’ll follow faithfully. I’ll love and forgive with grace and ease. I’ll won’t need to choke back swear words and I won’t be cursing at you in my mind, either. I’ll have it all together. I’ll always be rejoicing. I’ll bake perfect gluten-free cookies and I’ll write the best blog posts and I’ll be well-read in all the theologians and I’ll actually make those crafts on my Pinterest board.
that’s not how it works, is it. life doesn’t magically fall into place. it’s not always easy.
I will never be Perfect Christian Blogger v2.0. I like my cookies full of gluten and I have a love/hate relationship with running on the best of days and these thighs aren’t going anywhere and, well, I’ll try to keep the cussing to a minimum at least.
and I’ll keep struggling to trust. struggling to find hope. struggling for peace and patience and strength, and all those fruits of the spirit that far too often become a list of everything I’m not.
because this is who I am. beautifully broken. crumbling at the edges. and faith is a fight for me, sometimes. and I don’t read my bible, sometimes. and I post about my loving my body and then spiral into a battle with self-hate, sometimes. and I cry in the bathroom because I’m homesick sometimes.
and this is okay and this is good and this is beautiful. because we are none of us perfect. I don’t care what their instagram feed seems to say, each one of us has known mascara-streaked tears on the bathroom floor.
and the fruits of the spirit are that: fruits. of. the. spirit.
not a checklist. not a measuring tape. and I am no less of a Christian because my faith is a daily fight. no less a believer because I doubt, sometimes. no less beloved because I feel unworthy.
I’m struggling to trust and believe and walk this path that I can’t even see. and that is okay. that is good. that is beautiful.
and maybe that abundant life is right here, if I look for it. because life needs to be lived, in the day-by-day, in the struggle and the mess and the broken-but-healing. in the being made new, slowly, painfully. maybe I can’t see it, but there is hope for me and I’ll cling to that, hold that truth tight to my heart. trust that there are seasons, seasons of struggle and doubt and searching and questioning. and they are seasons and they will pass, as the seasons do. but this is my season right now.
and it is okay. it is good. it is beautiful.