brokenness and healing.

I feel stuck.

Caught in this place between brokenness and healing. 

I have seen my sin, and I am desperately in need of God’s grace.

But I can’t seem to find it, or feel it, or maybe it’s that I can’t believe it. I’m ready for the Lord to dig the sin out of my heart, I don’t want it anymore, but maybe I’m not ready. Healing means moving forward, letting go of the past, letting God make you new.

Renewal is what I need, but it’s not always what I want.

Letting go of my past is hard, and it’s scary. The past is easy to hold onto because it’s familiar. It’s comfortable, in a way. Maybe the past isn’t pleasant, but it’s an unpleasantness I know. The future – I don’t know anything about the future.

I don’t know who God wants me to be. I don’t know how He’s going to change my heart. I don’t know what He’s going to ask me to release or take on. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

And that terrifies me.

I know that He has good plans for me. I know that whatever He desires for me is so much better than what I desire for myself. I know this, with my head.

But I don’t trust it with my heart.

I’m scared that once He changes me, I won’t recognize myself. All I know, all I’ve ever known – it’s full of brokenness. My pain and my scars and my issues might suck, but they’re mine. They are a part of me.

They are not meant to be.

His plan didn’t include them. His plan called for perfect, intimate relationship with Him. His plan called for love and joy and peace.

I didn’t get to experience His plan. Because we all broken, because Eve ate the apple, because Adam ate the apple, because I say mean things.

So the life I have lived is flawed, but it is the only life I have ever known, and the idea of a life without brokenness is beyond my comprehension. I’ve never known my heart without it’s cracks, and I have to admit I harbor the fear that if my heart were whole, it wouldn’t truly be mine.

If healing comes, and my sin is washed clean, and my heart is made new – will I still be me?

I don’t know. I don’t think so. I will not be the same.

The world was not meant to be broken. My heart was not meant to be broken. The me that exists now and here, the me that is flawed and sinful – I don’t believe that’s the me God intended for me.

He does not want me to live in fear. He does not want me to live in regret, or doubt, or jealously. He does not want me to hold control of my life so tightly I can’t trust Him with it. He does not want me to look the mirror every day and hate what I see.

He wants good for me.

He wants me to be confident in Him. He wants me to trust, and rejoice, and live without fear. He wants me to delight in His creation, to share without thought of myself, to love selflessly. He wants a life for me beyond what I can imagine.

I want it, and I need it, but it’s not that easy. There is still fear. Because I don’t know how to live that life. Because I don’t know anything other than brokenness.

Jesus knows brokenness, too. I can trust Him with my broken heart, because He alone knows brokenness as well as perfection. His brokenness was given as a gift to heal mine.

the body of Christ, broken for you. take and eat.

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