I spent a good portion of last night having a conversation with a friend of mine (via Facebook chat… thank you, internet, for existing) which quickly turned into an introspective look back at the year. I can’t believe I’m halfway done with college. The past two years have been a journey, that’s for sure. Full of laughter and growth and hurt and friendship and tears and lots and lots of learning.
We discussed how much she’s changed over the past year, and then the conversation turned to me.
I told her that I don’t think I’ve changed that much this year. Instead, this year consisted of one big lesson, which was taught to me in too many different painful ways.
I am seriously messed up.
I am. I’m messed up in a million ways.
I have issues. Everyone does. I’ve always known, I’m sure, but this year consisted of those issues being thrown in my face, over and over again. Slowly and painfully, some of the darkest parts of my heart were discovered, dug up, and set unavoidably in front of me. Names attached to parts of me that I prefer to keep nameless and hidden.
Jealousy. Distrust. Self-hate. Fear. Vulnerability. Lust. Loneliness. Worth. Doubt. Body image. Control.
These are some of the things I’ve found inside of me this year. Some of the things I’ve struggled with. Things I’ve had to face and deal with. It hurts, friends. It hurts so bad. It has left me curled up in a ball on the floor. It has left me crying myself to sleep. It is incredibly painful to discover all the ugliness inside.
Everyone is messed up. Everyone is broken.
I just didn’t know the extent of it. I had no clue this many cracks had formed in my heart.
Looking back, all I can think is that I am so very broken. I am so very, very broken. So far from being whole. Far from perfect.
And I never will be perfect, and that’s okay, and that’s good and that’s beautiful.
This lesson I have been learning: I am messed up. That’s okay.
I cannot fix myself. I have tried. It doesn’t work. Don’t bother.
Only one person I know can heal me, and that is the one person who is Perfect. is Good and Whole and loves me beyond what my broken, messy heart can deserve or even comprehend.
So healing is ahead. That’s my next road to walk down. That road is just as painful, because healing means facing again my brokenness. Accepting it. Offering it up. Letting God pull it out of my heart, letting Him make me new. The pain of healing is ahead, but I can no longer bear the pain of staying the same.
It’s not easy. It’s not fun. But it is worth it. I’m ready for it.