Lately, I have found myself in the unusual position of being without words.
I open my journal, take my pen in hand, and the page remains blank. Not because I have nothing to say to God – I have so much to say. I have been struggling lately, and am overwhelmed with sadness and hurt and confusion. I have so many emotions to process and questions to ask, and I desperately need to talk it all over with Jesus, and yet words do not come.
I am rarely without words. I have journals filled with words. I write to God – sometimes at God. I praise Him, I worship Him, I delight in Him, I rage at Him, I throw questions at Him. I have pages filled with my messy scribbled handwriting, as I pour my heart onto paper, sort through everything I am feeling, and eventually find peace in my Lord.
But now, I have nothing. Any sentences I start to form feel fake, feel contrived.
So I am left with silence.
And in my silence, I turn to music.
I have found that when I have no words, someone else does. Someone has already found words to describe what I cannot, words that speak for me. I always find a song that speaks truth into my heart. I’m pretty sure God Himself operates the shuffle function, y’all. Jesus likes to DJ in his free time.
This week, it’s been David Crowder Band’s Church Music album (which is pure brilliance. listen to it). I stuck it in the CD player one day on the way to class and it’s been on repeat since.
As I sat in the library yesterday taking biology notes, I felt the need to listen to it. So I did, and I truly listened to it this time.
The words slipped quietly into my ears and hit me like the proverbial ton of books. I sat there in my library, crying out to God through the song lyrics and listening as He spoke back.
send me a sign, a hint, a whisper throw me a line cause I am listening
come break the quiet, breathe Your awakening
bring me to life cause I am fading
shine Your light so I can see You
pull me up, I need to be near You.
i can feel You all around me, savoring this heart that’s healing
can i lie here in Your arms?
(lyrics from SMS (Shine), All Around Me, Can I Lie Here by David Crowder Band)